I never got to hold you, to smell your beautiful baby smell. I never got to hear your heartbeat or feel you move around inside of me. I never got to tell your sister and two brothers all about you or see you wriggle on a scan. I never got to give birth to you, hear your first cries and feel that overwhelming feeling of love.
Just when I start to feel that I have put a lid on you, you rear your ugly head. I battle day in and day out to keep you suppressed, then like a switch you are back. Suddenly I start with that gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach that builds and builds. All of a sudden the world is against me, I’m useless and everyone would be better off without me. And all this can happen in a blink of an eye.